For My King

A good friend once asked me if there were times when I feel so insecure in my life. I told her, of course, yes, many times. I guess it's all part of being human. Times when we felt so down, so lonely and empty.

When depression attacks me, I believe, like many of us, we all turn to the best source of strength and comfort we can ever have - that of our God.

Let me share you one of those 'insecure' times I had just recently and how I cling on to His love and faithfullness for strength and assurance that although as small and insignificant as I am, He loved me so much as simply me - no conditions, no buts - just pure faithful love.

Ah, how I love my God and how thankful I am that we have a God to turn to. I could not imagine life without Him. Can you?


March 2008
Butuan

Dear Jesus,

It’s been months since my last attempt to have a letter saved under My Safe. I guess, I had the courage to write my thoughts and post them at my blog – thoughts that were me – but, sometimes, not entirely me. Know what I mean? Of course, you know. Am sure you know being God and all. You are the Only one who knows me entirely.

My King, I need you now – your guidance and wisdom. The evil in me is stronger than ever – my greatest enemy, myself. Without you, I don’t know how I could have made it whole and still wanting to glorify you.

Writing to You always is healing for my part. I thank You for being faithful always – even for my unfaithfulness.

I will start the day praising You my King – praising You my own way.

Help me to listen to You constantly. Help me also to balance things and to have that self-control to say enough for the day.

Ah, I have always asked for help from you. What have I done in return my King? How have I helped You? Do you need any help at all? I feel so little in Your eyes – so unimportant and yet I know in my heart of hearts, that that is not true- you who died and gave your life for me and saved me over and over and over again from the mud I am in – the mud I helped create.

I had said much, haven’t I? I missed writing and talking to You. I missed just being with You and listening to you. When was the last time that I truly listened? I don’t know. I have been so busy for the kingdom or is it really for the kingdom or for me? I have been self-seeking many times, my King, I can’t help it. How can I stop it and be God-serving instead?

Ah, these disturbing thoughts – conflicting feelings. I want to serve you fully, to know you more and yet part of me is saying I too want to be served, to be loved, to be known. Am I doomed my King? Am I too selfish to be thinking these thoughts?

Help me help myself. Help me to listen to You always. Help me to examine my heart and to have the courage to fix it.

How can I stop my King? Too much still needs to be said – to be poured.

I have many fears curled up inside me, things that I know will explode. How can I express them in Christian ways my King? Grant me the opportunity to just seek You – to just sit in the corner and talk to You – cry out my heart to You.

I guess I need a retreat for myself – a time for refreshing with You. When would that be, I wonder? Next week? I hope so. I really hope so before I start my next research – with Your people.

I love you so much my King. Please don’t doubt my Love even when I’m like this. Please don’t doubt my devotion to You – my thirst to please You every second of the day even with the reality that I am not worthy to do so and that I have nothing to please You.

I’ll stop for now – the writing that is but I will never stop seeking You and praising You.

I love you Jesus.

Your daughter in need of You,
Yhen


So there. We all have these moments in our lives. Personally, when these happen, I would love to be somewhere where I can be myself - away from the hustles and bustles of everyday life.

Either I'd find a place where I can reconnect with my God, like a small chapel perhaps, or somewhere with a hill on it and overlooking green fields, hugging some trees on the process or reflecting at the beach perhaps and looking at the horizons, reenergizing myself.

In the absence of these things, I can always go to journaling my thoughts, my fears and to making letters to God and yes, to myself. Writing what I am thinking is a way of healing myself and my hurts. And I would surround myself with inspiring things, self-help materials and friends whom I feel comfortable with.

I told that good friend of mine, the one who inspired me to write this blog entry, that, if ever she is feeling 'moments like these', she can always hug her little kids and feel their love - that would be one good way of reaffirming that you are special, loved and cared for. Children had their funny, special ways of letting us know that.

And, of course, as the old favorite song goes: "In moments like these, I'll sing out a song, I'll sing out a song to Jesus.."

We can always sing our hearts out for as Bishop Bienvenido Tudtud wonderfully puts it: Life is a song and each song is a confession that life is real...

How about you my friend? In what ways do you cope up with 'moments like these?' We'd love to hear from your experience and to learn from your life.

Everyday stories, ordinary as they may seem, are instruments and gifts from God for us to learn and to share.