Not the millions

At the end of the day, God will not ask:

"How many millions were you able to give to the poor?"

But, as we can find in Colossians "Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth," God will ask:

"How many souls had been saved because of your help?"

(my reflection today thanks to Kuya Mon)

For My King

A good friend once asked me if there were times when I feel so insecure in my life. I told her, of course, yes, many times. I guess it's all part of being human. Times when we felt so down, so lonely and empty.

When depression attacks me, I believe, like many of us, we all turn to the best source of strength and comfort we can ever have - that of our God.

Let me share you one of those 'insecure' times I had just recently and how I cling on to His love and faithfullness for strength and assurance that although as small and insignificant as I am, He loved me so much as simply me - no conditions, no buts - just pure faithful love.

Ah, how I love my God and how thankful I am that we have a God to turn to. I could not imagine life without Him. Can you?


March 2008
Butuan

Dear Jesus,

It’s been months since my last attempt to have a letter saved under My Safe. I guess, I had the courage to write my thoughts and post them at my blog – thoughts that were me – but, sometimes, not entirely me. Know what I mean? Of course, you know. Am sure you know being God and all. You are the Only one who knows me entirely.

My King, I need you now – your guidance and wisdom. The evil in me is stronger than ever – my greatest enemy, myself. Without you, I don’t know how I could have made it whole and still wanting to glorify you.

Writing to You always is healing for my part. I thank You for being faithful always – even for my unfaithfulness.

I will start the day praising You my King – praising You my own way.

Help me to listen to You constantly. Help me also to balance things and to have that self-control to say enough for the day.

Ah, I have always asked for help from you. What have I done in return my King? How have I helped You? Do you need any help at all? I feel so little in Your eyes – so unimportant and yet I know in my heart of hearts, that that is not true- you who died and gave your life for me and saved me over and over and over again from the mud I am in – the mud I helped create.

I had said much, haven’t I? I missed writing and talking to You. I missed just being with You and listening to you. When was the last time that I truly listened? I don’t know. I have been so busy for the kingdom or is it really for the kingdom or for me? I have been self-seeking many times, my King, I can’t help it. How can I stop it and be God-serving instead?

Ah, these disturbing thoughts – conflicting feelings. I want to serve you fully, to know you more and yet part of me is saying I too want to be served, to be loved, to be known. Am I doomed my King? Am I too selfish to be thinking these thoughts?

Help me help myself. Help me to listen to You always. Help me to examine my heart and to have the courage to fix it.

How can I stop my King? Too much still needs to be said – to be poured.

I have many fears curled up inside me, things that I know will explode. How can I express them in Christian ways my King? Grant me the opportunity to just seek You – to just sit in the corner and talk to You – cry out my heart to You.

I guess I need a retreat for myself – a time for refreshing with You. When would that be, I wonder? Next week? I hope so. I really hope so before I start my next research – with Your people.

I love you so much my King. Please don’t doubt my Love even when I’m like this. Please don’t doubt my devotion to You – my thirst to please You every second of the day even with the reality that I am not worthy to do so and that I have nothing to please You.

I’ll stop for now – the writing that is but I will never stop seeking You and praising You.

I love you Jesus.

Your daughter in need of You,
Yhen


So there. We all have these moments in our lives. Personally, when these happen, I would love to be somewhere where I can be myself - away from the hustles and bustles of everyday life.

Either I'd find a place where I can reconnect with my God, like a small chapel perhaps, or somewhere with a hill on it and overlooking green fields, hugging some trees on the process or reflecting at the beach perhaps and looking at the horizons, reenergizing myself.

In the absence of these things, I can always go to journaling my thoughts, my fears and to making letters to God and yes, to myself. Writing what I am thinking is a way of healing myself and my hurts. And I would surround myself with inspiring things, self-help materials and friends whom I feel comfortable with.

I told that good friend of mine, the one who inspired me to write this blog entry, that, if ever she is feeling 'moments like these', she can always hug her little kids and feel their love - that would be one good way of reaffirming that you are special, loved and cared for. Children had their funny, special ways of letting us know that.

And, of course, as the old favorite song goes: "In moments like these, I'll sing out a song, I'll sing out a song to Jesus.."

We can always sing our hearts out for as Bishop Bienvenido Tudtud wonderfully puts it: Life is a song and each song is a confession that life is real...

How about you my friend? In what ways do you cope up with 'moments like these?' We'd love to hear from your experience and to learn from your life.

Everyday stories, ordinary as they may seem, are instruments and gifts from God for us to learn and to share.

Man vs. the Beast (originally written on Jan. 27)

I just can’t resist writing something today – had a great laugh watching AXN with its man vs. beast program – my, a Japanese hunky athlete against a bear, yep, a BEAR in a hotdog-eating contest. The bear was called the Alaskan cruncher and it consumed 50 hotdogs in just 2:36 seconds while the Japanese had 32 hotdogs in the same time.

Now, I’m watching a fat man vs. an orangutan. My, is this world getting crazy or what? Hahaha… but I had a good laugh.

You know seeing the man so competitive while the beast being natural and winning the contest – haha.. you should see the eyes of the Japanese while looking at the bear – the look of fear was there while the bear had that I-don’t-care-who’s-looking thing in its eye. Just enjoying it’s time with the hotdogs.

And yep, back to the Bornean orangutan vs. the Sumo wrestler in a tug-of-war and my God, the orangutan won and it was cheering – wow, amazing! Look at that! Great game.. God is indeed great! Such amazing creatures!

Am looking forward to the next bouts: 188-pound elephant vs. 44 little people and a 600-pound zebra and 3, 000 pound and 12-feet giraffe vs a 24- year old runner (9th time Olympic winner).

Well, guess who won? You got it – the elephant and the zebra. The giraffe, by the way had little problem with its long legs. So, the Olympic winner won.

Ah, man vs. beast is indeed funny and crazy at the same time – but it would lead you to be in awe of the creations of God – beasts and men alike.

written last January 27, 2008
Lispher Inn, Davao Room 205

Christian Leadership

Chirstian leadership faces greater challenge today than everybody else. Those who are into it need to influence the world that being Christian does not start and end only on weekends, particularly on Sundays for most of us.

However, the Christian values that we strongly uphold must be seen, practiced and witnessed every hour, every day of every week. It has to be interwoven in our daily life, in our daily walk and should not be taken as something that has to especially celebrated once a week.

(my reflection on the book The Servant Leader on year 2006)

What living life fully means to me

I never thought I would be able to make time for a blog like this. For somebody who needs to work 24-7 to beat deadlines and everything else my work demands of me, time is a rare commodity.

No, don't get me wrong. I love my job and I never for the world will leave it (not unless my colleagues get tired of me, hehe).

It's just that trying to make a difference, not for the entire world (it's just too BIG for a girl who nearly made it to 5 feet), but a difference in the life for even one child - would certainly demand the whole of me: my views, my heart, my time, my life. And I am not even a mother yet - no, far from it.

I work for a ministry who serves children and their families in the poorest communities in the country. I am so blessed to be called to this kind of service. Who wouldn't be when you have the chance to serve God 24-7, have the chance to talk to His people and serve His people and love His people and also get paid for doing so? A job and a ministry - in one.

The monetary compensation for the job is enough for me to stay - me, being the breadwinner in the family. BUT, the greatest blessing of all is the fact that God trusted me enough to put me in a place where I can help change the lives of many. And that, my friends, is more than enough. God is more than enough.

My first years in World Vision were a whirlwind. I had a hard time adjusting, hard time accepting the fact that I could not go home by 5 PM and spend more time for my social life. I rebelled at the thought that I have to work on Saturdays and even Sundays. There were times when I wanted to shout "I want my life back" to the world. My, I was only 24 years old then and was doing the works of "the olds", so to speak. I have to be a teacher, a nurse, a nun, a lawyer, an agriculturist, a secretary, a singer, an auditor, a counselor, a writer, a trainer, and so on... in one - not the titles though, just the works.

I joined the ministry armed with what I know and intent to make changes in the lives of the people - realizing later that it was my life first who will be changed - my views, my lifestyle, my heart.

The girl 4 years ago is no longer the same girl now. Gone were the rebelling ways - the constant need for competition and winning (I was trained to win things being a debater since I was young ).

There are times when I still have to work 24-7 though, when I need to work even on Saturdays and Sundays. But now comes the consciousness of reminding myself that I should work first for the King, and later for His Kingdom.

Yes, my time for my social life is limited but God has shown me how to value things, places and people around me. He has led me to my priorities - my family, my relationship with Him, my friends, and my role in His Kingdom.

He has shown me to value Time and to make the most of my lifetime, to share my life and His love whenever I can and wherever I am.

Thus, this website.

To live life fully for me is to be the best of who you can be - as God willed you to be. Living life fully means finding happiness in the simple things of life, acknowledging one's sinfullness and at the same time being secured in the knowledge that our God is a forgiving and merciful God.

Fullness of life, as described in Isaiah 65, is having a new earth and a new heaven - of living life to old age, of enjoying the fruits of one's labor, of reconciliation and restoring of relationships.

Life as a journey is always a decision of the one taking the journey. We can either cry and cry some more or cry then laugh later. Or we can either be absorbed on our past laurels or move on to build some more.

It's our choice. As somebody puts it, "to be or not to be, that is the question." That question my friends, is for us to answer individually.

May we be able to find the courage to answer the question of the meaning of our existence in this world. More importantly, may we be able to LIVE LIFE FULLY.. as God wants us to be.

Have a reflective and meaningful soul-searching this Holy Week.

Yhen

Is Life Fair? (originally written on Feb. 5, 2008)

(written as notes on my cell phone as I wait for the bus to Butuan)

I sometimes think of life as unfair. Why there are many who spent their money on things they won't use later or worse won't even remember buying them.

But now, while waiting for the bus to Butuan, I see many others trying very hard just to sell one piece of candy or convincing the passengers to buy a cheap pair of sunglasses even at night. Ah, my heart aches for these people and this is one of those times when I just can't help but be sad.

The irony of life - the extremes of it.

One man particularly caught my eye - who prompted me to write this. He was middle-aged, in his 40s. He looked the typical padre de familia trying to earn income for his family. But what struck me was that he was limping while selling candies. You know, the usuals - Maxx, White Rabbit, etc. which he sells at P1 each. He was in pain but he seems not to mind it or is ignoring it. He has to sell the candies from the looks of it. And his eyes look tired from the looks of it.

My heart goes to this man. I wasn't planning on buying any candy. I avoided being thirsty and having to drink water after. It's a long ride - about 7 hours with less stops. Not a good thing to be always looking for a restroom.

But then anyway, it seems the only thing I can do for the man is to buy some candies from him so I did just that - not really much though, just 6 pesos and then I added a silent prayer for his family. He smiled his thanks.

I cannot do much, however, with the other man selling sunglasses. I feel so helpless about the situation.

I observed them closely. Everytime a new passenger passes by, their eyes lit with hope and on the other hand, everytime a passenger says 'no' to them or snubs them or simply ignore them as if they don't exist, the same eyes would be filled with despair and a sense of failure. And the cycle goes on: from hope to despair and occasionally to simple joys and triumphs of having convinced somebody to buy.

It is heartbreaking to be confronted with these realities especially knowing that there are more others who suffer worse fates.

My only comfort whil looking into these people is that at least, they still have a source of income and that they have something to do.

What I am most happy about is that, simple as they are - they find joy in little things and they think good of others - ready to assist those who need assistance - whether rich or poor and they are trusting of people.

Once a woman wants to buy 2-peso worth of candies but she doesn't have any coins. The limping man told her she could already get some candies and that he will leave his candies with her while he finds some change for the bill. Ah, never doubtful of his fellowmen - very trusting.

I feel blessed having witnessed the lives of these men, even for a short time for it reminded me how blessed I am with what I have and that I have a bigger responsibility to spread God's love.

(Note: picture above is taken from the web, I just don't know the author - thank you anyway, this has inspired me to make a difference in the world)